Those Kinky Autophiles

Fetishism: Aberrant habitual sexual excitement associated with an inanimate object or a bodily part. (American Heritage Dictionary).

Are automobile enthusiasts perverts?

Listen as they describe cars as "sexy," "beautiful" and "lovely." See grown men fondle the latest trinkets and tassels sold as automobile accessories. Watch them thrill over car commercials that emphasize the soft curves of a vehicle body, reveal images of "unclothed" engines, and then a close-up of a hand clutching a gearshift.

These people are clearly autosexuals.

Of course, it is impolite to ask people with alternative sexual orientations the intimate details of their affections. However, I can't help but wonder what autosexuals do in a secluded parking space. Do they nuzzle the dash? Lick the grill? Does auto-sex involve the exhaust pipe? Is lubricant used? (If so, what brand and weight is preferred? These guys are always very opinionated about such matters.) What couplings are possible?

Are props or special tools required? Do participants protect themselves with a latex barrier or do they thrill to the danger from sharp edges, strong chemicals and hot surfaces? Do autophiles expect to do everything on the first drive, or do they hold some things back for higher mileage?

Information about auto-sexual relationships can be gleaned from classified advertisements by lonely, sometimes desperate-sounding vehicles. Age, size (in cc's), and color appear to be important. Some vehicles are clearly more popular than others. Some ads only run for days, while others (apparently those who have difficulty establishing meaningful relationships) continue for weeks.

But you don't need to search to learn about autosex. Autoeroticism is increasingly flaunted in public, with little concern for the sensibilities of onlookers. Consider the sensual pleasure car owners exhibit with compulsive washing and waxing; the erotic rubbing of a soft cloth over silky smooth surfaces, with careful attention to curves and crevices. (This polishing would seem to be primarily subservient behavior, but clearly the rubber also enjoys gentle stimulation.) Even more extreme behavior is displayed when autosexuals gather at car shows, auto races, and "monster truck" exhibitions, where they brag about multiple car ownership and engage in vehicle swapping!

Not all autoeroticism is "hands on." Hard-core auto-pornography can be found in magazines, books and newspapers inserts filled with carefully composed photos of highly buffed automobiles. Excited autophiles gush with enthusiasm while vehicle engines accelerate in the background on television and radio advertisements. Some even display cut-away views, leaving nothing to the imagination.

It's not that I'm a prude who cares what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own garage. What concerns me is when they encourage innocent children to imitate their deviant lifestyle. Watch a middle-age man describe with restrained pleasure his automobile conquests to an audience of boys, or young teenagers leering over an automobile obscenely displayed in a full color magazine photo?

Is autosexual orientation innate, or is it a learned and chosen behavior? This is an important question because it indicates whether autophiles deserve sympathy or censure. Although the issue is still open to debate, I'm inclined to think it is primarily a learned lifestyle. After all, autosexual culture did not exist until this century. Auto-human union cannot reproduce: Only by recruiting can autosexuals hope to maintain their culture. This is why society must act to discourage the spread of such deviancy.

I am not, I want to emphasize, prejudiced against automobiles. They are useful tools which can, when properly used, be very beneficial. But transferring human affection to inanimate objects is perverse and sad. This behavior is unhealthy to individuals and society.

Autosexual behavior is a form of fetishism: sexual love of inanimate objects. It is a displacement of human love, resulting from repression, loneliness, and low self-esteem. It is most common in men, probably because our society provides so few positive male role models with loving human relationships. The result: boys turn to cars for gratification rather than try to develop affection for another human being. It's sad but true.

A truly committed autosexual can overcome his problem with professional help. Many autophiles eventually turn their distorted affections into human love. They marry, have families, and establish normal, healthy relationships. It may be difficult for a time, and many have temporary relapses, but they can change.

Some autosexuals, however, are so deeply involved in autophile culture that their entire self-image is built on auto-love. Many even support themselves in autosexual jobs. This is especially dangerous because daily behaviors and social interactions reinforce their deviant habits. It's a difficult trap to exit.

Poor autosexuals. They are to be pitied. But let's not let our sympathy for these suffering souls reduce our commitment to protect your children from their deprived behavior!