Wit and Humor
Is Transportation Demand Management Funny?
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Victoria Transport Policy Institute
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Updated 25 January 2010
All work and no play makes a TDM Encyclopedia dull. To add a little fun we include jokes and witty quotes. We try to find ones that relate to transportation and demand management, but some we just think are funny. The jokes are introduced below. Follow the link to the punchline in the appropriate chapter. Your feedback is appreciated. Click here to submit appropriate jokes or send your comments about those we’ve included: humor@vtpi.org.
Whose First?
An engineer, an electrician and a planner are arguing as to whose profession is oldest. The engineer points out, “God divided heaven from earth. That was one great feat of engineering. My profession is oldest.”
The electrician interjected, “Yes, but before that, god created light. That must have involved electric power. My profession is oldest.”
After a pause they both looked at the planner who said, “Yes, but first…”
When? Now
Nothing is as powerful as an idea… (Public Bike Systems)
“There is more to life than increasing its speed”
-Mahatma Gandhi
And A Wonderful Time Was Had By All
There was this man in a red convertible driving down the highway with two penguins in the backseat of his car. A cop pulled him over and said, “Hey, did you know that you have two penguins in the backseat of your car?”
The man replies, “Yeah, I know! what should I do with them?”
The police responds, “Well, I think that you should take them to the zoo.”
The next day the policeman sees the same car driving down the highway, and it still has the two penguins in the back seat. The policeman pulls it over again and says to the driver, “Hey, didn’t I tell you to take these penguins to the zoo?”
The man replies, “We did, and…” (Special Event Transport Management)
Clear Vision
Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world.
-Joel Barker
Mules and Fools
A farmer bought a new mule. When he got it home he could not get it in the barn because the mules ears were so long they hit above the door. The farmer got some chalk and a saw, drew the outline of the ears on the lintel above the door, and started to saw them out. At this point the farmer’s neighbor drove into the barnyard and asked the farmer what he was doing.
When the farmer explained about the long ears the neighbor said, “You darn fool, why don’t you get a shovel and dig out under the door?”
The farmer replied, “You’re the darn fool, not me.”
“Why is that?” inquired the neighbor.
“Because…” (Comprehensive Planning)
No Guts, No Nails
A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a cold, tall glass of herring guts and vodka. The bartender, disgusted at the thought, replies, “No, I’m sorry, we don’t serve herring guts.”
The penguin leaves disappointed, and after trying every other drinking establishment in town returns the next day, again asking for herring guts and vodka. The bartender, afraid that the very idea of such a drink will discourage his regular customers, says, “We don’t serve herring guts, and if you come back here asking for them one more time, I’m going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!” The penguin left again disappointed.
The next day the penguin returns and asks, “Do you have some nails?” “No” said the bartender, a little surprised. “Good… (Change Management)
Purpose of Life
What if we fail to stop the erosion of cities by automobiles?…In that case we Americans will hardly need to ponder a mystery that has troubled men for millennia: What is the purpose of life? For us, the answer will be clear, established and for all practical purposes indisputable: The purpose of life is to…” (Jane Jacobs, The Death and Life of Great American Cities, 1961) (New Urbanism)
One Thing First
The one thing we need to do to solve our transportation problems is to… (Contingency-Based Planning)
Smart Enough To Get Out Of The Rain
Upon leaving a tavern late one evening, Max and Joe found that they had locked their keys inside their car.
After pondering the situation for a while Max suggested, “Let’s try to open it with a coat hanger.”
“No,” answered Joe, “people will think we’re trying to break in.”
Max thought a moment and said “Then let’s call a tow truck. They can usually open a locked car door.”
“No,” said Joe, “people will see that we locked our keys in the car and think that we’re really stupid.”
“Well,” said Max, “we’d better think of something fast. It’s starting to rain and…” (Carfree Planning)
Inspiration
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him/her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
THEN, you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as... (Institutional Reforms)
Where’s That Limousine?
A Texan with a big cowboy hat, boots and plenty of jewelry parks his sparkling new limousine in front of a bank in New York city, walks in, and says, “I’d like to borrow $500 immediately.”
The loan officer hands him an application form. For an address he writes, “Ritz Hotel.” For collateral he writes, “Cadillac, estimated value $100,000.” The loan is approved and the satisfied customer hands the limousine keys to the bank in exchange for a $500 check.
Two weeks later the Texan returns and returns the check, plus a $5 bill for interest. Curious about this strange transaction, the loan officer inquires, “Sir, you are obviously rich. You have a valuable car. You stay at the fanciest hotel. You wear thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. Why did you borrow such a small sum and not even bother to cash the check?”
The man replies. “I didn’t need the money. But…” (Parking Management)
Right to Destroy The City?
“The right to have access to every building in the city by private motorcar, in an age when everyone possesses such a vehicle, is actually… (Pedways)
Brawn and Brains
A wealthy old lady brings her poodle on a safari in Africa. One day the dog wanders out of camp and then sees a hungry looking leopard heading rapidly in her direction. The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I better think of some way to defend myself or I’ll soon be cat dinner!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she settles down to chew noisily on them as the big cat approaches. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack and he slinks away. “Whew!”
says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!” A monkey who
saw all of this occur from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. The monkey soon catches
up with the leopard, explains the poodle’s trick and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard. The young leopard, furious at being fooled, says, “Monkey, hop
on my back and let me show you what happens to conniving canines!”
The poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey and realizes what is
happening. Instead of running the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,
pretending she hasn’t seen them. When they get close enough to hear, the poodle
says loudly to herself…(Performance Indicators)
Wealth and Poverty
“Contentment is natural wealth; luxury, artificial poverty.”
- Socrates (B.C. 469-399)
Ice Fishing
Early one morning an inebriated man goes ice fishing. He finds a spot on the ice that he thinks looks good, and starts to drill a hole with his auger. Suddenly, a loud booming voice from above says, “THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!”
So he stops drilling, looks around, but there is nobody in sight. He moves to another spot, and starts to drill again. The same voice booms, “THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!”
So he moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice calls out one more time, “THERE ARE NO FISH THERE EITHER!”
The drunk looks around again and says, “Who are you anyways? God?”
“NO,…” (Why TDM?)
A Car Just Ran Down Simple Living And Left A Prostrate Victim
It would be folly to ignore that we live in a motor age. The motor car reflects our standard of living and gauges the speed of our present-day life. It long ago ran down Simple Living, and never halted to inquire about the prostrate figure which … (Carbon Taxes)
We Know
“Our ignorance is not so vast as…” (About This Encyclopedia)
M. King Hubbert, Geophysicist
Angry Jack
A young man got a flat tire while driving at night on a back road. He tried to fix it, but found that the car had no jack. Then he noticed the light of a farmhouse farther up the road. As he walked toward it he thought to himself, Suppose the farmer isn’t home? Suppose he won’t answer the door? Suppose if I ask him for a jack he won’t let me borrow it? Suppose he doesn’t trust me? Why doesn’t he like me? – The more he thought the more upset he got. Finally he reached to the farmhouse door and knocked. When the farmer opened the door, the young man yelled, (Transportation Access Guides)
Taxi Drivers’ Heaven
A pious minister died and went to heaven, where Saint Peter gave him a small golden harp. Just then, another angle flew by with a much larger harp. Envious, he asked why his own harp was so much smaller.
“That was a New York cab driver,” Saint Peter explained. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove…(Prioritizing Transportation)
Problems Solving Problems
“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of...” (Change Management)
“It Ran Right Into Me”
Joe is walking through the city back to his home after a long night of drinking, and he smacks into a tree along the sidewalk. He gets up, staggers forward, and runs into the tree again. Two more times he does the same thing.
“This is terrible,” he says. “…” (Nonmotorized Transportation Planning)
Real Fame
Three guys were sitting around talking about what being really, really famous would be like.
The first guy says, “Real fame is being invited to the White House for a personal chat with the president.”
The second guy says, “Real fame is sitting there in the Oval Office chatting with the president when the hot line rings, and he won’t take the call.”
The third guy says, “Real fame is sitting there in the Oval Office chatting with the president when the hot line rings, and he answers it, listens for a moment, and then says, ‘…’” (Transportation Options)
Whose Is Valued Most?
Three fellows were sitting at a bar, and their conversation turns to collectables. One man describes his coin collection. “I have more than 2,000 coins from every country in the world, including several that are quite rare. My collection is valued at over $25,000. I keep it in a high-security cabinet.”
The second man brags about his book collection. “I have more than 400 antique books, including several signed first editions. My collection is valued at over $50,000. I keep them in a climate-controlled room in my house.”
The third man say, “I have the world’s largest seashell collection, including countless unique specimens. My collection is considered priceless…” (Sustainability)
Dead Ducks
Bob took Bill on this first duck hunt. But Bill was not a happy camper. Bill complained about the early hour. He complained about the itchy wool clothes they had to wear. He complained about the cold as they sat in the duck blind. After a while to two men simply sat gloomily in silence.
Finally, a flock of ducks flew overhead. Bob aimed his gun carefully and took a shot. One of the ducks fell dead onto the beach. Bob grinned in pride.
Bill walked over to the feathered body. He was unimpressed. “Shooting it down was…,” (Success Stories)
Loosing Count
“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that… (Evaluation).
Who Bears The Costs?
Economists often emphasize the importance of “internalizing” costs, meaning that users bear the costs direct, rather than imposing them on other people.
It’s easy to internalize motor vehicle air pollution costs. Simply connect the exhaust pipe directly into the passenger compartment. Of course, that’s… (Energy and Emission Reductions)
Some Taxes are Better Than Others
The mode of taxation is, in fact, quite as important as the amount. As a small burden badly placed may distress a horse that could carry with ease a much larger one properly adjusted, so a people may be impoverished and their power of producing wealth destroyed by taxation, which… (Market Reforms)
Hot Calls
A guy walks into a bar with both ears bandaged up, and orders a stiff drink. Other patrons can’t withhold their curiosity, and after a few minutes one asks, “Hey buddy, what happened to your ears?”
He replies, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the telephone rang and (holding his fist near his ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The other patrons shake their heads sympathetically, and after a pause somebody asks, “That explains one ear, but what happened to the other one?”
He says, “Well, jeez,…” (Basic Access)
Send In the Clowns
The city of Bogota, Columbia hires mimes rather than additional traffic police to encourage drivers to be more considerate on city streets. The mimes use humor to embarrass motorists that stop in crosswalks, double park or violate other traffic rules.
Airline Safety Record
A nervous passenger, about to board a small commuter plane, stops and asks the pilot, “how often do these things crash?”
“************”, responds the pilot. (Safety)
What’s Your Problem?
A man walks into a doctor’s office with a huge wart shaped like a frog growing on top of his forehead. The doctor says, “Good grief sir, let me remove that awful-looking growth from your scalp!”
To which… (Elasticities)
Cool Logic
Joe, Walter and George survived an airplane crash in the blazing hot Sahara desert. Searching around, they found an ancient bottle, which they opened, hoping it contained something to drink. Instead, a Genie emerged. Looking down at them, the magical creature spoke: “Thank you for releasing me. As a repayment, I will grant each of you one wish.”
Joe steps forward first. “Give me fresh water.” Magically, a bottle of imported mineral water appears before him and he drinks to satisfaction.
“You fool!,” says Walter. “You wasted your wish on nothing more than a bottle of water! Let me show you how to make a more useful wish.” He tells the Genie, “Give me a tall glass of beer.” Magically, a yard of the finest appears before him and he drinks to satisfaction.
“You’re both fools,” says George. “All you can think about is a single drink. We have no idea how long we’ll be stuck here in the hot desert. I’ll use my wish for something that will last as long as we’re here.” He orders the Genie, “Give me a car door.”
Joe and Walter watch incredulously as George stands before a car door, while the Genie blows away in a cloud of dust. “Why did you ask for that?,” inquires Joe.
“Can’t you see,” George explains…” (Livability)
You’ll Learn
A high-school boy loves cars and so applies for a job at a repair shop that specializes in exotic imports. He gets the job and eagerly arrives for his first day. “Gee,” he gushes, grabbing a wrench, “I can’t wait to learn how to fix these babies!”
The service manager tells him to put down the tools and listen up. “The first thing ya gotta learn how to do,” he explains, “is to …” (Transportation Costs and Benefits)
Going Nowhere Fast – I
A farmer sitting on his front porch patiently watches a city slicker driving his sports car down the dirt road, throwing up a tail of dust. A little latter he watches the same car zoom pass the other direction, and later still the car passes by again, then screeches to a stop, engulfing car, yard and porch in a dust cloud. The driver, clearly exasperated at being lost, rolls down his window and yells to the farmer, “How do I get to Midville?”
The farmer thinks it over, and after the dust begins to settle finally replies,…(Marketing)
Going Nowhere Fast - II
A couple were riding a tandem bicycle on a tour of the countryside. Late in the afternoon the stoker (rider in the back position) asked the captain (rider in the front) how they are doing.
“I’ve got some good news, and some bad news,” said the captain.
“What’s the bad news?” asked the stoker.
“We’re lost,” was the reply.
“What’s the good news?” asked the stoker.
“…” (Bicycle and Walking Encouragement)
Older and Wiser
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But …” (Small Wheel Transport)
Drive the Spread
A New England dairy farmer was showing a Texas rancher around his farm. The Texan asked, “How big is your spread.”
The farmer answered, “About 40 acres. How big is your ranch?”
The Texan replies, “Well, I can get into my truck and drive from sunrise to sunset and never reach the end of my land.”
“Oh yes,” says the farmer, “…” (Transit Oriented Development)
Going Nowhere Fast – Version II
A farmer sitting on his front porch patiently watches a city slicker driving his sports car down the dirt road, throwing up a tail of dust. A little latter he watches the same car zoom pass the other direction, and later still the car passes by again, then screeches to a stop, engulfing car, yard and porch in a dust cloud. The driver, clearly exasperated at being lost, rolls down his window and yells to the farmer, “How do I get to Midville?”
The farmer thinks it over, and after the dust begins to settle finally replies,…(Comprehensive Planning)
Going Nowhere Fast - IV
“Let’s have a moment of silence for every American stuck in traffic on their way to a health club to ride a stationary bicycle” -Rep. Earl Blumenauer (3rd-OR)
Bear With Us
Picture an old western town. Saloon at the end of the street, noisy lunch hour, tiny player-piano in the background, raucous laughter, when in through the batwing doors comes a giant panda bear. The room is suddenly hushed in amazement. The panda goes to the bar and says, “Gimme some food! NOW!”
The barkeep shakily hands over a plate of what ever he’s got handy; the panda takes it to a table and devours it messily. Then he gets up, and quick as a wink turns to the nearest man and shoots him, then heads for the door. The barkeep sputters, “Bbbbut Mmmr. Bear sir, why’d you shoot him? What’d he ever do to you?”
The panda snarls derisively over his shoulder at the man, “I’m a panda you dullard! Look it up!” and disappears as suddenly as he came.
The barkeep and several of his patrons go to the dictionary kept in the back office and look up Panda Bear. They read the definition, and nod to each other: “Panda Bear: a large mammal native to Asia…” (Park&Ride)
Understanding Engineers
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when One said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the Clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer…” (Pricing Methods)
How Many?
There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count, and those… (Measuring Transportation).
Death Awaits
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed” and “aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”. Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
“With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “….”(Health and Fitness)
Does You Good?
If exercise is so good for you, why are most athletes…?
A doctor asked a nurse, “How is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed five quarters?”
“** ***** ***” is the nurse’s reply. (Smart Growth)
Sharing And Caring
Bars and churches are ideal for Shared Parking. Bars have their peak demand Saturday night and churches have peak demand Sunday morning. Bar patrons who stay late can…
Why Change?
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? …
Death Wish
An elderly man is dying of a painful illness at home in his bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering his last energy, he crawls toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bring him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shaking made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly… (Transportation Management Programs)
Home Sweet Home
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
If they had 4 doors they would be… (Location Efficient Development)
Why the Chicken Crossed the Road, by Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
…
…
(Evaluating Nonmotorized Transportation)
Which Way?
As a man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “…” (Pay As You Drive Insurance)
Foolish Fishing
Bob and Bill often rented a boat to fish on a lake. One day they caught thirty fish. Bob said to Bill,, “Mark this spot so we can find it again tomorrow.”
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, Bob asked, “Did you mark that spot?”
Bill replied, “Yes, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”
Bob exploded in exasperation, “You fool! What if…” (Carsharing)
Service, I Want Service
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, I am sorry, but … (Access Management)
Taxi Tips
A taxi is picking up a passenger on a downtown street when a second man rushes up and says breathlessly, “I need to catch a flight at the airport in half an hour. I’ll give you $50 if you’ll let this cab take me there first.” The first passenger agrees to this, and away they go.
A few minutes later the second passenger says, “It’s very important that I make this flight. Please drive as fast as you can.”
The driver does his best, but traffic is heavy and they are not making much progress. After ten minutes the anxious passenger says, “I must make this flight! I’ll give you a $100 tip if you can get me to the airport in 20 minutes.”
The driver takes short cuts, but progress is still slow.
After another ten minutes the taxi is still just at the edge of town and the passenger yells, “It’s essential that I make this flight! I’ll give you a $500 tip if you can get me to the airport in ten minutes.” This really gets the taxi driver’s attention. He begins to speed down the road and race through intersections.
Five minutes later the passenger is bursting with anxiety, and yells, “It’s imperative that I make this flight! I’ll give you a $1,000 tip if you get me to the airport in less than five minutes!”
The taxi driver floors the accelerator and zooms down the roadway, swerving wildly through traffic, crossing back and forth over the center line, just missing oncoming vehicles. In front of the airport, as the taxi makes a wild swerve the urgent passenger hands the driver a thick wad of bills, jumps out of the moving vehicle and disappears into the terminal. Without stopping the taxi continues back to the highway.
The first passenger, pale from fear, looks at the taxi driver and the pile of money and says, “Goodness sakes, that was amazing driving. You really earned that tip. What do you plan to do with all that money?”
The driver replies, “Well, first…” (Taxi Improvements)
What Comes First?
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? The bad golfer goes ***** **** and the bad skydiver goes **** *****
What did one Hawaiian shark say to the other?
“Oh, no – not…”
If an airline that flies across continents is called “transcontinental,” would one that only flies short distances be considered…? (Aviation TDM)
Say What?
One evening a police officer pulls a car over and walks up to it. The driver rolls down his window and asks politely, “What’s the problem officer?”
The policeman says, “Your left brake light isn’t working.”
Just then, a women in the passenger seat says, “I told him to take the car in for maintenance last week, but he didn’t bother.”
The driver looks annoyed and says, “Please don’t interrupt.”
The policeman continues, “And I saw you running a red light a few blocks earlier.”
The passenger says, “I told him to stop, but does he listen? No! He keeps right on going.”
The driver turns to her frustrated and says, “Quite down.”
The policeman adds, “And just before the light I clocked you driving 50 in a 30 mile-per-hour zone.”
The passenger leans over again and says in a shrill voice, “I told him to slow down. But did he listen? No! He always ignores me.”
The driver turns and yells exasperated, “Hey, didn’t I just tell you to shut up? Now, don’t say another word or you’ll be sorry.”
The police officer then looks at the women and asks, “Does he always talk to you this way?”
“Only …,” she says. (Regulatory Reform)
Tell It To The Judge
Looking sternly down from the bench, a judge asked the elderly defendant why, after seven blameless decades she had turned to a life of crime.
“Your honor,” she explained, “I began working on my memoirs…” (Market Reforms)
Where Are We Now?
Thanks to their many miles of super highways, gas stations and drive through restaurants, the modern suburb is a wonderful place to drive – as long as… (Clustering)
Perspectives
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist… (Market Principles)
Vicious Snails
A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was robbed by a gang of vicious snails.
Several hours later he arrived at the police station to report the crime. The police officer asked him to describe what happened.
“I really can’t tell you very much,” he replied. “It happened…” (Smart Growth Policy Reforms)
If You Want It Done Right
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built Noah’s ark. Professionals... (Street Reclaiming)
What Did You Expect?
A doctor explains to his patient, “No wonder you feel run down, Mr. Grover. We’ve done an extensive…” (Surveys)
Why Do You Say That?
Why is it that when you transport something by car its called a ********, but when you transport something by ship its called *****? (Freight)
Why Do You Call It That?
Why does your nose *** and your feet *****? (Pedestrian Improvements)
Come Back When?
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s Dad. He said, “I want my daughter back by 8:15.” I said, …” (Alternative Work Schedules)
Quiet Street Design
I don’t get much traffic by our house. We live on a … (Traffic Calming)
Bicycles and Sin
A minister and priest had the habit of drinking together at the local pub each Monday evening to share the pleasures and pains of their calling. One week the minister arrived on foot rather than cycling as usual. When the priest asked why, he complained, “Somebody stole my bicycle! This evening it was missing from its normal parking space. One of my parishioners must have taken it. What should I do?”
“That’s terrible!” replied the priest. “Here’s what I suggest. Next Sunday, base your sermon on the ten commandments. Make it passionate, with lots of fire and brimstone, so your flock really squirms. When you get to ‘Thou shall not steal’, see who looks guilty. Then you’ll find your suspect!”
The minister thought that sounded like a good plan. The next Monday he arrived at the pub by bicycle as usual. The priest asked how the plan had worked.
“Oh, it succeeded just fine,” He answered. “I was working through the ten commandments…” (Bicycle Parking)
Thanks, But…
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, “No thanks…” (Rideshare)
Yesterdays Transfer
Years ago my grandmother worked hard as a waitress in a downtown restaurant, but with the low wages she had trouble making ends meet. She rode the bus to work each day, and toward the end of the month when money was tight she would save her transfers from one day until the next. Often the bus driver wouldn’t notice, but sometimes they would stop her, and say “Lady, this is from yesterday.”
She would reply,… (Evaluating Equity)
Rest In ecaeP
What do you get when you cross a dyslectic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?
Someone who lays awake pondering the existence of … (Glossary)
Scared Stiff
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word as an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David grabbed the parrot and threw it in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will immediately correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “and by the way...” (Rebound)
What Size?
Among the English language’s many puzzling words is “*******” which means the large size in ********* and the small size in ***********. (Individual)
Wild Life Riddles
Q. How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. You open the door, pick up the elephant, place it inside, and…
Q. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A. You open the door,…
Q. If you have a party for all the animals, which animal would not be there?
A. …
Q. How many bears can you put in a car?
A. …
Q. How many lions can you put in a car?
A. … (Vehicle Restrictions)
Find Feet, Sell Shoes
Two shoe salespeople were dispatched by their company to a remote village. In a few days the head office receives telegrams from each.
One read, “Let me return home – no one wears shoes!”
The other read, “…” (TDM Marketing)
Amazing Performing Pets
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes he says to the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, will you give me another beer on the house?
“OK,” says the bartender, “but it better be good, because I’ve seen a lot of pretty amazing things in my day.”
So the man pulls a hamster and a tiny piano out of his briefcase and puts them onto the bar. The hamster begins playing beautifully.
“Not bad,” says the bartender, “but you’ll need to do even better than that if you want a free drink.”
So the customer takes a frog out of his briefcase and it begins singing show tunes along with the piano in a beautiful rich voice.
Another patron sitting nearby comes over to see what’s going on and says, “That’s amazing! I’ll give you $1,000 for that frog.”
The man agrees and hands over the frog for the cash. After the purchaser leaves, the bartender says to the man, “It’s none of my business, but I think you just gave away a real fortune in that frog.”
“Not really,” says the man, … (Increasing Equity)
Ah Ah Ynnuf
What goes “oom oom”?
A cow walking backwards.
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, “Woof!”
The other replies, “Moo!”
The first dog is perplexed. He asks, “Moo? Why did you say ‘Moo?’”
The other dog replies, “I’m…” (Commute Trip Reduction)
Lay Out You Problems
So this guy walks into a bar, looking VERY depressed. With a deep sigh, and the start of a tear in one eye, he orders FIVE 40-year-old singlemalt Scotches--which run about twenty bucks apiece.
The barman lines them up, and as the guy knocks them back, says, “Mister, you look as depressed as anyone I ever seen in this place.”
The guy says, “You’d be sad too, if you had what I got.”
“Man! What do you got?”
The guy finished the last drink, and says, … (Pricing Evaluation)
This One’s For You
A drunk was hanging out on a street corner. Another drunk walks by holding a large bag. The first drunk asked, “Hey, what have you got in that bag there?
“Wine. Bottles of very valuable wine,” was the reply.
“How many bottles do you have in that bag then?” the first drunk asked.
“I’m not telling,” he replied.
“Will you share some with me?” asked the first drunk.
“I’ll tell you what,” replies the second drunk, “If you…” (HOV Priority)
Hot Air Rises
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots somebody on the ground below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The person below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the person on the ground. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The person below says, “you must be in management.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,…” (Campus Transport Management)
Be Patient With God
A Sunday school teach is trying to convey to his students the immensity of god. “To god, a million years is like a minute,” he says.
The students did not seem adequately impressed, so after a moment he adds, “And to god, a million dollars is like a penny.”
One student raises her hand and says, “If god is so wealthy I think he should share one of his pennies with me.”
“…” (Commuter Financial Incentives)
It Depends On Where You Sit
A group of tourists visiting England for the first time charter a double-decker bus for their trip to London. Half sit on the bottom level and the other half on the top of the bus. The group down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the top. She walks up the stairs, and here are all the passengers are clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.
She says, “What the heck’s goin’ on? We’re down here havin’ a grand old time.”
One of the passengers says, “Yeah, but …” (Transit Evaluation)
Wishes Among Friends
Three friends take a sailing trip together through the tropical Indian Ocean, but their boat is wrecked on a beautiful desert island in a storm. They make the best of it, building shelters and finding plenty of food. They even brew coconut beer.
After a few weeks an ancient bottle washes up on the beach. When they open it, a genie comes out. “You must give us each three wishes for freeing you,” one of the friends says. The genie scowls at this demand and replies, “I’ll give you each ONE wish, and that’s it.”
The first friend doesn’t hesitate a second. “I wish to be returned home,” he says. Poof – he disappears.
The second friend thinks for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “I wish to be returned home with my pockets full of gold coins and jewels.” Poof – he disappears.
The third friend ponders for a minutes, then says, “…” (Tourist Transport Management)
Feed The Meter
The other day I saw two dogs walk up to a parking meter. One says to the other, “What do you know…” (Parking Pricing)
“Jump When I Say”
A prominent scientist conducted an experiment. He trained a flea to jump when it heard a bell. He then removed one of the flea’s legs and found that it would still jump in response to the bell. The scientist wrote in his laboratory notebook, “Upon removing one leg, all flea organs function properly.”
Next, he removed the flea’s second leg, and found that it sill responded to the bell by jumping. He wrote, “Upon removing a second leg, all flea organs continue to function properly.”
Thereafter he removed each of the flea’s legs, one by one, and the flea continued to jump in response to the bell. Each time the scientist carefully noted in his notebook that the flea’s organs continued to function. Finally, he removed the last leg and rang the bell. This time the flea did not jump. This observation he recorded in his notebook.
In order to insure the statistical accuracy of his study the scientist repeated this experiment several times. In each case the fleas jumped on command until their last leg was removed. After several days of painstaking work the scientist finally wrote his conclusions: “When their legs are removed, a flea…” (Transportation Statistics)
Not Me!
A big mugger walked up to a little old lady waiting at a bus stop and demanded her money.
She looked him in the eye and protested, “You should be ashamed of yourself, robbing a poor little old lady like me. A man of your size…” (Address Security Concerns)
Paid In full
“I’ll tell you how to solve Los Angeles’ traffic problems. Just take all the cars off the road that… (Road Pricing)
Knitting and Driving
The police officer sees a car weaving back and forth down the highway and he takes off after it and pulls up alongside and the driver is a little old lady and she’s knitting as she drives. He can’t believe it and he yells at her, “Pull over! Pull over!” and she says, … (Road Pricing)
Reboot Reality
Three engineers were in a car when they came to a light and stopped. The motor sputtered and choked a bit and then died. The chemical engineer said, “I think it’s not getting enough gas. Maybe we ought to check the fuel line.”
The electrical engineer said, “No, it sounded to me like it’s not getting enough juice. Maybe we ought to check the plugs.”
The third, a computer engineer, said, “…” (Telework)
Two Hikers – One Bear
Two hikers out in the woods encounter an angry bear. One stops to change from his boots into running shoes. “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!” says his partner.
“I don’t need to outrun the bear. I just need to …” (Evaluation Transportation Resilience)
Important Passenger
The mayor worked late one Wednesday and so is in a hurry to reach his weekly card game at his club. He gets increasingly irritated with the slowness of his limousine driver. “Can’t you go any faster?” he asks angrily. “I have to obey the speed limits,” says the driver.
The mayor orders the driver into the back, takes the wheel and speeds away. A few minutes later a police car pulls the limousine over. The senior officer orders the junior to go write a ticket, but the junior officer comes back and says he doesn’t dare, because limousine passenger is too important.
“Well, who is it?” the senior officer asks.
“I didn’t recognize him,” explains the junior officer, “but…” (The Cost of Driving)
Seen The Light
A guy is walking along the street one night, when he encounters a drunk on his hands and knees under a street light, searching the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the drunk replies, “I’m looking for my car keys.” Being a helpful sort, the fellow started searching, too.
After a time he asked, “Are you sure you lost them here?”
“No, I lost them down the street,” replied the drunk, “but…” (Automobile Dependency)
Beer Share Fear
It’s the wee early hours of Sunday morning when the last bar is about to close. Bill and Bob are drinking late. “How’s about one more drink,” Bill suggests as he waves his last dollar bill. Bob agrees, and having no bills left, pulls the coins from his pockets. Carefully counting the money the two friends find they have just enough for one pint of beer.
“We’ll each drink half,” Bob proposes. Bill agrees, then he grabs the mug and begins drinking, slow and steady, glug, glug, glug, as his buddy watches in eager anticipation. Glug, glug, glug, Bill tips the glass up higher and higher. Glug, glug, glug, Bob stares as the level of beer slowly declines until there is nothing more than foam. Bill finally removes his lips from the glass, takes a deep breath like a man recovering from exertion, and puts the mug onto the bar.
Bob gazes forlornly at the now empty glass. A tear rolls down his cheek thinking of this beer he will never know. Looking at his friend he asks in a bewildered voice, “I thought we agreed to each drink half.”
“We did,” replied Bill. “But…” (Transportation Management Associations)
Looking Good
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking worried and strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there isn’t anything wrong…(Managing Nonmotorized Facilities).
Living Loose
A man is feeling terrible. He can’t digest food, suffers from chest pains, and can’t think straight. The first doctor he visits performs a quick examination, and recommends various vitamin and mineral supplements. But the symptoms persist.
He goes to a second doctor who takes a medical history, and performs a careful examination. This doctor shakes his head sadly. The problem, he explains, is a weak heart that requires immediate surgery. The man endures the operation, but even after the incision heals the original symptoms persist.
He goes to a third doctor, who takes a detailed medical history, does a careful examination, and performs a series of expensive and painful tests. After the results are available, the doctor sits down with the man and gravely explains, the problem is a deadly and inoperable brain tumor – death is imminent.
Sadly, the man prepares for his demise. He purchases a plot at the cemetery. He selects a casket at the mortuary. Then he goes to a tailor for a new suit in which to be buried. The tailor measures him carefully, and then says, “I’ll make the pants 42 inches, the coat 38 inches, and the shirt neck 16 inches.”
“But,” the man replies, “I always wear 38 inch pants, a 34 inch coat and a 15 inch shirt neck.
“No! No!… (Streetscape Improvements)
Think You Know Everything?
“The most insidious form of ignorance is…” (Comprehensive Transport Planning)
-Robert Costanza
Up In Smoke?
After completing one room, a carpet installer takes a cigarette break. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in the just-installed carpet. Not wanting to rip up his work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the next rooms to be carpeted.
At the end of the day he’s completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out, “…” (Shuttle Services)
Thank Goodness I’m Just Drunk
A car is weaving from one side of the road to the other. A policeman pulls it over and says to the driver, “You’re drunk.” And the driver says, “Well thank goodness for that, I thought… (Fuel Taxes)
Keep Your Head
A guide in Anne Hathaway’s cottage in Stratford-on-Avon was showing a group tourists Shakespeare’s personal effects. In the bedroom he announced, “Here ladies and gentlemen is the bed of Mr. William Shakespeare!” In the parlor he said, “Here ladies and gentlemen is the desk of Mr. William Shakespeare!” And in the kitchen, “This is the pot in which Mr. Shakespeare made his porridge.” With each artifact the tourists would crowd around in admiration and exclaim in wonder. Finally, the guide pointed to a small human skull, and in a hushed voice said: “Ladies and gentlemen - the skull of William Shakespeare!” You could hear a feather drop such was the reverence and awe until a noisy kid argued, “Rubbish! - that couldn’t possibly be the head of Shakespeare – it’s far too small.” The guide retorted, “Excuse me - that is the skull of Mr. William Shakespeare…(Context Sensitive Design)
Don’t Sit Here If You Go There
A wealthy and foolish cheapskate had an economy ticket to fly from Los Angeles to New York. On entering the aircraft he sat down in a first class seat, hoping that he would be able to stay. The flight attendant asked politely to see his ticket stub. He ignored her, pretending to be engrossed in a magazine. The attendant was persistent. He finally showed her the ticket. She politely asked him to move back to his assigned seat. The passenger continued to ignore her, argue and delay in order to stay in the more comfortable seat.
Finally, the captain heard the commotion and came back from the cockpit. The attendant explained the situation. The captain bent over the unruly passenger and whispered a few words in his ear. The passenger gave the captain a shocked look, and quickly moved to his assigned seat in coach.
The attendant was amazed and ask the captain how he managed to convince the passenger to be cooperative so quickly and easily. The captain explained,… (Land Use Evaluation)
If You Can’t Not Get It, You Won’t Never Misunderstand
It’s an interesting linguistic fact that, in English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which … (Parking Evaluation)
Where’s He From?
A man walks into a bar wearing a stylish suit, a beret on his head, and on his shoulder a colorful parrot with magnificent tail feathers. In a thick French accent the man orders a glass of the finest imported French wine.
The bartender, admiring the beautiful bird says, “Wow, that’s really neat. Where did you get him?”
To which… (Prestige and Pleasure)
Accidental Carjack
An elderly lady returned from shopping to find four young men sitting in her car. She dropped her bags, drew a handgun, and proceeded to scream at the top of her voice that she will shoot each of them if they don’t leave the car immediately. The four men leapt from the car and ran down the street. The lady then loaded her shopping bags into the car and got into the driver’s seat. But her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Then she noticed an identical car parked a few spaces away. She moved her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story pointed to…(Asset Management)
Work, Work, Work
A woman having lunch on a park bench watched two landscaping workers in the rose garden. The first one dug holes. As soon as each hole was completed the second worker filled it in. After a dozen such holes were dug and filled the woman couldn’t contain her curiosity. “You don’t seem to be accomplishing much,” she commented.
“You don’t understand,” explained the first worker… (TDM and Economic Development)
Where To?
A son was sitting at the death bed of his elderly father.
“Where do you want to be buried,” asked the son, “Forest Lawn or Pleasant Acres?”
The old man looked at his son and replied, “…” (Land Use Impacts)
A Sign
A police office pulls over a car going much slower than other traffic.
The police asks, “This is a 65 mph highway – why are you going so slow?”
The driver replies, “Officer, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
“Oh, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the number of the highway you’re on!” explains the officer.
The driver replies, “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where two passengers are shaking and trembling.
The officer asks, “Excuse me, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”
“Oh, we just …” (Speed Reductions)
Inclined To No Good
I hear they plan to install a clock on the Leaning Tower of Pisa because someone asked…(Rural Transport Management)
Wise Too Late
A gentleman invited some friends over for a dinner party. Late in the evening he decided to open an very old bottle of wine from the back of his wine cellar. When he popped the cork, out came a Genie rather than wine.
“For releasing me from that bottle, I will give you a choice of two gifts. You can either choose great wisdom or a handful of gold coins,” the Genie offered.
The gentleman thought for a moment. Not wanting to appear greedy he said, “I choose wisdom over wealth.” The Genie touched him on the forehead which produced a blinding light, and then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The friends all stared at their friend. After a period of silence, one inquired respectfully, “Now that you have great wisdom, what can you share with the rest of us?”
The gentleman looked at his friends and replied thoughtfully… (Transportation Affordability)
Why Park Where?
“If every place worth visiting had enough parking for all the people who wanted to visit, there would be no…” (Parking Management)
The More Difficult The Challenge, More Rewarding The Success
“Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember… (Developing Region TDM)
Whether Weather is Bad
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, there’s only the wrong clothes.”
-Billy Connolly
Fish Tales
Did you hear about the guy who went ice fishing and brought home a hundred-pound block of ice?
He planned to mount it on the wall, but before he could take it to the taxidermist his wife found it and cooked it. He still … (Guaranteed Ride Home)
Think for Yourself
“Discovery of a solution consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking…” (Parking Solutions)
Something New and Wonderful In The Family
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how… (Road Space Reallocation)
Diamonds In the Rough
An African farmer became impatient with his predicable life and unglamorous work, and decided to sell his property and become a prospector. He left his family and friends behind and spent years searching unsuccessfully for gold, silver and precious jewels.
Years later, the new owner of the farm noticed a bright stone in the small stream on the property. After admiring the stone’s beauty he put it in his pocket, and later placed it on the fireplace mantel, among other interesting curiosities, such as bird feathers and dried plants. After a few weeks a visitor noticed the stone, and on a closer look his eyes grew wide and he nearly fainted. “Do you know what this is?” the guest asked? The farmer replied that he thought it was an interesting crystal. The visitor explained that this was one of the largest and most exquisite diamonds he had ever seen. The two ran back to the steam and found many more such stones scattered along the bottom.
Eventually, the original farmer heard that … (Transit Encouragement)
Inherited Grey
While watching her mother wash dishes at the kitchen sink a little girl noticed several grey strands in her mother’s otherwise brunette hair. She asked, “Why are some of your hairs grey, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns grey.”
The little girl pondered this revelation and then asked… (Multi-Modal
Level-Of-Service)
Pee Soup?
Question: What’s the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Answer:… (Distance-Based Charges)
How to Go?
When I die I want to go like my grandfather – in his sleep. Not … (Traffic Safety Strategies)
If At First You Don’t Succeed…
A bush pilot flying a float plane landed three hunters at a remote lake in northern Canada. The pilot agreed to return in a week to pick them up, and before leaving he warned, “Don’t bother killing more than two large animals, because that’s the most I can carry in my plane.”
A week later the pilot returned to find the three hunters waiting at the lake shore with a moose, an bear and a mountain lion, arguing over which they would leave behind. They couldn’t agree. Instead, they decided to leave behind their camping gear, to minimize weight, and offered the pilot hundreds, and then thousands of dollars to carry all three trophies. Reluctantly, against his better judgment, the pilot was persuaded.
They loaded the bear inside the plane, and the moose and lion they strapped onto the floats. Then the pilot and hunters climbed into the plane.
The pilot took off with full throttle. The loaded plane accelerated across the lake. As they approached the far shore, it began to lift off. The plane rose slowly. It just barely cleared the first set of trees at the lake edge, but moments later it grazed the tops of a second set of somewhat taller trees. The plane tumbled, crashing into the forest, resulting in a bloody tumble of airplane parts, people, moose, bear and lion.
A few minutes later, after recovering from a concussion, one hunter looks at another and says… (Traffic Operations)
You Get What You Give
A little girl was watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She noticed that her mother had several white strands in her
otherwise brunette hair.
She asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl pondered this revelation and then asked, “Momma… (Multi-Modal Level-Of-Service)
PARK(ing) Day (www.parkingday.org and www.rebargroup.org/projects/parkingday)
On PARK(ing) Day people transform parking spots into small parks. PARK(ing) Day seeks to create awareness about the need for more open spaces in cities and challenge the way people think about how streets are used. These places where cars would sit all day became active places of recreation, interaction and play. PARK(ing) Day seeks to create awareness about the need for more open spaces in cities and challenge the way people think about how streets are used.
Planning to Change the World?
A vision without a plan is just a dream. A plan without a vision is just drudgery. But a vision with a plan can…(Transport Demand)
Doing Your Best
“Only a mediocre person is always at his best.” W. Somerset Maugham
“A man may fulfill the object of his existence by asking a question he cannot answer, and attempting a task he cannot achieve.” Oliver Wendall Holmes
“Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than (Emergency Response Transport Planning)
Pay Wisely
“It is unwise to pay too much, but it is worse to pay too little. When you pay too little, you sometimes lose everything because the thing you bought was incapable of doing the thing you bought it to do.”
John Ruskin (1819-1900)
Dog Talk
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “…” (Bus Rapid Transit)
Not So Fast
“It’s taken us 50 years to really screw up our neighborhoods. (Smart growth) is not an…(Smart Growth)
Happiness is Enoughness
The earth provides enough to satisfy every person’s need but not every person’s greed…When we take more than we need we are simply taking from each other, borrowing from the future, or destroying the environment and other species. (Sustainable Transport Planning)
Right Action
Cowardice asks the question: ‘Is it safe?’
Expediency asks the question: ‘Is it politic?’
Vanity asks the question: ‘Is it popular?’
But conscience asks the question… (Improving Public Transit Waiting Conditions)
Parking On Campus
“I have sometimes thought of the modern university as a series of individual faculty entrepreneurs held together by a common grievance over….”
- University of California president Clark Karr
“The chancellor's job has come to be defined as providing…” (Parking Management)
-A UC Berkeley chancellor
Context is Everything
“Every entity is only to be understood in terms of the way in which it is interwoven with the rest of…” (Comprehensive Transport Planning)
Way to Go
“The true voyage of discovery begins not with new places, but with…”
The World Is a Book and Those Who Do Not Travel Read Only One Page
-Saint Augustine, A.D. 354–430
Small Change, Big Value
“Lowly, unpurposeful and random as they appear, sidewalk contacts are the small change…(Managing Nonmotorized Facilities)
Just One Thing
“The one thing we need to do to solve our transportation problems is to… (TDM Planning)
Travel’s Fallacies of Imagination
He that travels in theory has no inconveniences; he has shade and sunshine at his disposal, and wherever he alights finds tables of plenty and looks of gaiety. These ideas are indulged till the day of departure arrives, the chaise is called, and the progress of happiness begins.
A few miles teach him the fallacies of imagination. The road is dusty, the air is sultry, the horses are sluggish, and the postilion brutal. He longs for the time of dinner that he may eat and rest. The inn is crowded, his orders are neglected, and nothing remains but that he devour in haste what the cook has spoiled, and drive on in quest of better entertainment. He finds at night a more commodious house, but the best is always worse than he expected.
- Samuel Johnson, The Idler, no. 58, in Universal Chronicle, London, 26 May 1759
Send Jokes, Quotes and Comments
Your feedback is appreciated. Click here to submit appropriate jokes and quotes, or send your comments about those we’ve included: info@vtpi.org.
References And Resources For More Information
Ken Avidor, Roadkill Bill (www.roadkillbill.com), features humor about cars, technology and philosophy from the viewpoint of a frequently squashed rodent.
Chortle (www.chortle.co.uk) is a UK comedy guide.
Todd Litman and Suzanne Kort (1997), “Cycling Route Perfect For Heavenly Bodies,” Times Colonist; available at www.vtpi.org/mars.htm. Imagine what would happen if sometime while you are out bicycling a flying saucer drops down and offers you an interplanetary ride. You could say, “Sure, let’s go to the Chryse Planitia, and we’ll head southeastward from there. I’d like to make a quick stop at Cape Canaveral along the way to pick up a space suit please.” Then show those nice aliens that earthlings are as good at mountain biking as any life form in the galaxy.
Anthony Downs (www.anthonydowns.com/jokes.htm) includes a collection of jokes on his website.
Evil Twin Bookings (http://eviltwinbooking.com) promotes politically charged and culturally challenging comedians.
Going Underground (www.goingunderground.net) has humour from the London subway system.
Humorous Road Signs, (www.vtpi.org/signs.pdf). Some road signs have more than one meaning.
Heinz Hammer (2002), Routes, The Lighter Side of Public Transit, Routes International (http://routesinternational.com/order.htm).
IBF (2004), Get a Conquistador Today!, International Bicycle Fund (www.ibike.org/environment/conquistador.htm).
International Association for the History of Transport, Traffic and Mobility (T²M) (www.t2m.org), includes comics and humor in transport history in its publications.
International Society for Humor Studies (www.humorresearch.org) is an organization for researchers. It publishes the International Journal of Humor Research (www.degruyter.de/journals/humor/index.html). Warning: most of the content is not very funny.
Kinky Autophiles. Are car lovers perverts? Listen as they describe cars as “sexy,” “beautiful” and “lovely.” See grown men fondle the latest trinkets and tassels sold as automobile accessories. This autosexual behavior is a form of fetishism.
Walter Kulash, Sandy Curran, and Jay Hood (1992), “Leonine Features to Enhance Bridge Capacity,” CAT Journal; available at www.vtpi.org/lionine.pdf. This paper outlines the historic role of bridge lions, summarizes current research in the field and offers a state-of-the-art method for computing their impacts on traffic capacity.
Pasi Kuoppamäki (1997-2006), Jokes About Economists and Economics (http://netec.mcc.ac.uk/JokEc.html).
LaughLab (www.laughlab.co.uk) is a research project to identify the funniest joke in the world.
Onion (2004), “New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive,” The Onion, Vol. 40, No. 5 (www.theonion.com/4005/news1.html).
PHC, Annual Joke Show, Prairie Home Companion (www.prairiehome.org). Annual joke show jokes are posted on the website.
PPS, Faking Places, Project for Public Spaces (www.pps.org/info/newsletter/april_first_2005), produces an annual April Fools issue of its newsletter.
QG (2004), Quotations for World Car-Free Day, Quote Garden (www.quotegarden.com/car-free-day.html).
Rec.Humor.Funny website (www.netfunny.com/rhf).
Andy Singer, CARtoons, (www.andysinger.com) or Car Busters (www.carbusters.ecn.cz).
Salvation by Bicycle. Listen up all miscreants and malefactors. Today we discuss the seven deadly sins as they apply to cycling.
This Encyclopedia is produced by the Victoria Transport Policy Institute to help improve understanding of Transportation Demand Management. It is an ongoing project. Please send us your comments and suggestions for improvement.
Victoria Transport Policy Institute
www.vtpi.org info@vtpi.org
1250 Rudlin Street, Victoria, BC, V8V 3R7, CANADA
Phone & Fax 250-360-1560
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